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am i schizo? i dont know. the voices are getting more frequent and the delusions are getting worse tho. my friend and i were on a voice call and she asked if she could come over and i entirely shut down. i haven't shut down like that in a while. she's not in a great place rn and she had just told me she was having a hard time not being dead, and i shut down while talking to her right after that, because i am so fucking paranoid about anyone knowing where i live. i want her to come over, i want to be able to let people close to me and know things about me, but i cant. its so fucking hard. i want to let people get close. she hung up after a few minutes of silence but it took me 40 more minutes to be able to hang up myself. every day at work im convinced 3 or 4 random customers who come in are either cia agents or fascists doing recon on me to get more information about me. i know thats not true and is actually fucking insane, but knowing it isn't true doesnt make it feel any less true. idk if im schizo, but what i am is getting worse.
i've had an eventful past few weeks. i saw the mountain goats on my birthday and made some friends at the show. a little group saw me sitting on the floor before the show sipping my beer and came over and invited me to hang with them. we talked about folk punk and now we're friends on twitter. someone complimented my sophie patch and showed me their sophie tattoo which was cool. that was honestly the best show of my life, it was a solo show so it was jsut him and a guitar. he played a lot of my favorite old songs and the big songs and it just fucking ruled. a few days ago, however, i had a very fun memory of my 6th grade gym teacher holding me back after everyone left the locker room and had me strip for him in his office alone, which is a significantly less fun thing to experience than a mountain goats show. i still haven't really began to process it. he's in jail for doing shit like that with other kids now. fuck prisons but fucking good. i hope he never gets out and i hope he never feels peace, i hope he gets the shit kicked out of him every single fucking day. the only issue i have with him being in jail is it means i wont be able to be the one to fucking kill him. youre fucking lucky i can't go and find you. i'll be there the fucking second you get out of jail.
i think something in my brain snapped. i have been feeling incredibly strange the past week. i've been obsessively copying down writing i like by hand into a notebook. i'm hearing voices and seeing things. i think im psychotic. i told my friend i'd give her some estrogen and when she asked for my address to come get it i couldn't respond, i'm paranoid and the thought of someone having my address makes a pit in my stomach. i just haven't responded to her really. i don't know. why am i being so weird? just fucking stop it. she needs the estrogen, i could just ask if i can drive it to her instead, it isn't hard. why can't i do that? i'm being so fucking weird.
maybe this time deactivating my twitter will stick. (it wont)
the worst thing about having abused cough medicine in the past is i can't even fucking use it as medicine without getting all the bad physical effects of getting high on dxm without actually getting high on dxm. all the bad and none of the fun. i just straight up can't take most cold medecine anymore and it sucks lol. don't do drugs, kids.
i wish i could stop being angry. i wish i didn't get filled with rage when i hear a little sound. it's pretty fucking miserable.
i'm very tired.
cosmic thrill seekers by prince daddy and the hyena is a masterpiece. god. it's on a whole different plat than basically all of the emo canon (with a few notable exceptions.) actually, 2019 was just a really really really fucking good year for the greater emo sphere.
the unluckiness i talked about in my last entry yesterday (sidenote: idk if it's obvious or not, but the way this page is formatted is each paragraph is a seperate entry) did not stop. i broke my ebook reader when i got to work so i wasn't able to read when there weren't customers and i also bashed my hand against a door frame exactly were i hurt it last night. guess i'll just die? idk who cursed me, but to whoever did it: damn. rude ass. i probably deserve it tho. still. rude.
tripped on my headphones cable and broke the headphones and maybe my audio interface. the people above me wont stop making the fucking floor creak and i am going to kill them. im going to bed. im going to kill everyone around me and then myself. every person on earth. every person who has ever lived is guilty of the original sin of being from the species that designed creaky floors and for that every last person alive deserves to die. no survivors.
there's a kid yelling outside that i can hear over my earbuds. they're first.
i guess today is my let out all of the anger i have thats been building over the past 3 years day? i'm fucking exhausted and yet still somewhere inside me is seemingly infinite waves of rage waiting to come out. this has been my worst day in a long long long while. at least when im real depresed and want to kill myself i don't fly off the handle and break even more things than were broken. i kicked my desk leg and it bent. i bent it back so hopefully it holds. it doesn't help that one source of this anger is how much of my shit has broken in the past 24 hours. its a feedback loop and im miserable and i want to go to fucking sleep but i can't. someone please come and put a bullet in my brain.
i'm good at selling things but it is my absolute least favorite thing to do. at the shop i work at i have sales down to a science in theory, i know exactly what to say to who and when to get them to buy things, but most of the time i don't say anything. i fucking hate when i have to run the front.
i need to get out of this fucking house. i need to get out of this fucking place. im gonna fucking break my hands if i stay.
i have not had a great past little bit. the arm of my chair broke, i got superglue all over my hands and accidentally punched myself in the face and now my nose is swelling. i am slightly frustrated.
you're fucking it up again. you're fucking it up again, stop fucking it up. stop it.
you know, hook by blues traveler didn't have to go that hard. it goes real fuckin hard and it rocks.
i should go up to the beach by myself at some point. i miss skimboarding. i haven't skimboarded in years, basically since i accepted i was trans. the beach scares me too much now, people being able to see my body scares me too much. my family goes a few times a year and i never go with them. ive gone to the beach in the winter to sit in a chair and chill out looking at the ocean with no one else around before, but i wanna skimboard. maybe sometime next week. i don't have any clothes that would be remotely suited to the task tho, i own 2 pairs of jeans and no other bottoms. i'd need to get some shorts at least. i miss the beach.
i wonder how much of the way i am is because of unconscious self destruction. probably a lot, i think i try to hurt myself a lot. not the best thing one can do.
it's been a year since starting this website.
i've noticed a lot of fan made things about the mountain goats feature possums. stickers that say "i hide down in my corner/ because i like my corner" with a picture of a possum or raccoon in a dumpster. i don't care much for that aesthetic, the aesthetic of the urban scavenger animals. i don't know, it just isn't my vibe. i get it and in theory i feel like its the kind of aesthetic i should enjoy, but i don't. i just dont think the trash goblin animals are all that interesting and i don't think they fit the mountain goats vibe. the mountain goats are distinctly human in my mind, representing them with raccoons and possums just feels like, i don't know, it feels like selling the band short. i reaqlize this is a lame and kinda buzzkill position to hold, which is why i'm sharing it on this site that exactly maybe 2 people read with any regualrity at all rather than somewhere more people will see it.
i make no claims to be anything but what i am, and what i am is a lily white middle class garden variety transsexual.
im doing the thing i do where i do something shitty and instead of trying to make it better i dissappear off the face of the earth for a while. im a fucking child.
im a shitty person. not the best guy around. i don't know how to help people. i avoid getting close to people because of it. ive yet to figure out what people want from me when they come to me for help. i just shut down instead. shitty thing to do.
i wonder if i hadn't lied to the elementary school counselor who pulled me out of class to ask what was going on at home, how my life would have turned out. i told her my guinea pig died, which seemed to satisfy her. i think about that sometimes, i remember it very vividly. that one moment could have changed every single aspect of my life if i hadn't lied. i was like 10.
i realized the issue i'm having with this song im writing. i'm trying to force like 3 different songs together in one. this story needs more space than a 2:15 long song.
i'm looking through all the discord servers i'm a part of because i can't talk to friends on twitter anymore. god i fucking hate discord. not being able to talk with a lot of my friends on twitter is the worst part of being suspended. everything else rocks tho, fuck twitter.
i don't want to be on antidepressants anymore but getting off them sucks.
my brain is telling me getting kicked off of twitter is the perfect opportunity to dissapear from all of the people i care about again. most of them i met through twitter so it's really the perfect chance to completely abandon this identity. i haven't decided yet. i don't want to lose the people i care about again but i also don't want to hurt them like i will inevitably end up doing, so it's up in the air what i decide to do. if you find this site deleted you'll know why.
i got suspended from twitter for threatening to kill morrissey. can't think of a better way to go.
i've decided there not being a good epub of stone butch blues out there is something i'm going to fix. i ocr'd a pdf and now i'm editing it into a useable manuscript. i wish publishers would put out epubs rather than pdfs, or in addition to pdfs. pdfs fucking suck for literature. i want people to stop publishing literature as pdf only. use epubs!!! they're so much more useable!!!
i miss the back stage and red room at the black cat. rest in peace, sweet prince.
i think i'm gonna make a page on this site to put all the boat building plans i've accumulated over the years on. i have a lot of them. i like boat building plans, i wanna build a boat. maybe this will be the year i actually do it. a nice little dinghy or something.
ah yes. here it comes. the part where i drive people i care about away. i always drive people who care about me away, or else i always leave. either way, i never end up being with people i care about and who care about me for very long. i always end up back in my alienated little bubble.
ᚁᚒᚔᚂᚇ ᚈᚆᚓ ᚏᚑᚉᚊᚓᚈᚄ ᚐᚅᚇ ᚁᚔ ᚐᚂᚂᚐᚆᚄ ᚆᚐᚅᚇ ᚐᚂᚑᚅᚓ ᚈᚆᚓᚔ ᚄᚆᚐᚂᚂ ᚏᚓᚐᚉᚆ ᚒᚒᚓᚄᚈᚋᚔᚅᚄᚈᚓᚏ
it's hard to unionize my workplace when i'm the only employee.
i wish i was able to sit down and write songs. i want to write songs, i can't ever seem to be able to do so tho. i hate it. my brain won't let me do what i want to do, i'm so tired of never being able to actually do the things i want to because my focus remains very fuzzy and hard to sharpeen enough that i can actually point it at something.
just deactivated my twitter. probably won't stick, i'm too addicted, but we'll see. just got to make it 30 days and then it will be deleted for good. it's so fuckin insidious that they don't delete your account right away, that i can log in at any point in the next 30 days and it will all still be there, so it isn't a one and done deal, i have to now not give in and reactivate for a month. má thabharfaidh Dia an neart dom, beidh mé saor ón ifreann seo. i hate social media so much. so so much.
i just realized i haven't said anything about the tape deck i got. the deck i ordered came, and it was in basically fucking mint condition. the listing said it had a light out, but what had happened was the record buttons mechanism that activated the record mode and the record light got stuck, so all i had to do was reset it and the light worked like new. the deck works perfectly, it wasn't even dirty, no scratches, didn't need any belts replaced, just needed a drop of oil in the door latch mechanism. it was such a fucking steal, the seller could have easily goten double the price if they had cracked it open (which is super easy to do, this deck is from the mid 70s and old tech is so easy to open and repair most of the time, shit was built to last and built to be repaired) and done a few fixes literally anyone could do. i'm so happy with it. i'm gonna document it on this site in the projects page, just because there isn't very much info on this deck out there and not very many pictures. i wrote up a bit of a disassembly guide becasue it did take a bit to figure out which screws needed to be removed to get access the the other side. so fucking pleased with this tape deck.
true crime is a shitty fucking genre.
i went to the blue ridge mountains today with the friend from earlier. it was really nice. i don't have much to say about it, i'd rather not document it for others to read, it's nice having some things just for yourself. it was really nice. i like my friend.
i got sunburned a bit, i'll document that.
i underestimated how addicted to twitter i am. can't quit cold turkey. some day. i hate twitter so much. don't use twitter, don't do it.
i think i'm done with twitter, i think i'm gonna delete my account. i've spent a disgusting amount of time just looking at that site, and it isn't even a good site. i don't need that in my life.
my aunts are here for my sisters high school graduation. i sat on the front porch with one of my aunts and we smoked a bit of weed and talked. it was nice. i forgot how nice sitting on the front porch and talking about whatever is.
i hate how hard it is to do the things i want to do.
i got a couple bucks unexpectedly so i'm able to try again to get a tape deck a lot sooner than i thought i'd be able to. i ordered a cool looking top loader deck from the mid 70s. this time i made sure the listing said it was tested and working, so hopefully that means the most i'll have to do is maybe change out some belts and clean some pots and contacts. it's a sankyo std-1510 if you're curious.
some family friends came over for memorial day, that was a lot of fun. they have a trans daughter and it's always nice to hang out with her. us and my sister played a bit of dnd, my sister and i were players and thefriend dm'd. we did a couple one shot fights, we played as commoners, got to choose one item each and tried to kill each other. i haven't played dnd as a player before, it was so much fun. i need to get a group together, i want to play this more often. also apparently my sister is starting a dnd podcast lol, i think thats funny as hell.
i don't think i've mentioned that my parents left the mormon church on this site yet. they left about a month ago. the family friends left about a year earlier, and i left a year before them. we talked about the church and why it suckeed and how leaving felt for hours, it was kinda cathartic for me but more triggering than anything. it was probably very cathartic for my parents, they're still in whatever stage of grief they're in, it's still in the forefront of their minds. i had to leave because i got triggered when we talked about when i left, my dad mentioned something that happened that i had supressed or something. that felt like an emotional flashbang. i don't know why i try to talk about really any of 2018 for me, it's a huge fucking minefield of triggers, and even putting aside the almost inevitable flashbacks i'll get it's just fucking depressing to talk about. i was not doing good in 2018 at any point, the entire year is an awful memory. i don't know, i forgot was i was saying. it was nice being able to have friends over.
i hope she doesn't know about this site, i don't want her to see me trying to work out my feelings about her lol.
i got a copy of in defense of ska a week or two ago, it's a good ass book. ska is so fucking good.
i watched a zoom event thing a few days ago, "jackie ess in conversation with torey peters", they're both trans authors and they did a couple readings from esses new book and basically gossiped about the trans lit scene theyre a part of. it isn't the kind of thing i would normally watch, i'm not really involved in any lit scenes in any way, but it was absolutely fascinating. i learned a lot about a world i knew nothing about, and now i kinda wanna get more into lit.
i don't like talking about the good things i've done, it feels like bragging, but almost no one reads this site and it's my journal, so fuck you, i've got some thoughts i need to try to work out. i gave a friend a half vial of estrogen i had because she ran out and needed it a month or so ago. she just sent me a dm saying i turned her life around she thinks. i don't know what to say to that. im glad i was able to help her, and we've become better friends since then, but idk, my brain isn't running at a high enough frequency right now to try to put my thoughts into words, but i always end up pulling away when people start to like me. i always have to analyze every little thing i do could possibly be bad and manipualting them into liking me and it causes me to pull away once people start to get close because i don't want to do that to them. it's so hard to accept that people might like me because they like me, and not because im a bad person manipulating them. was me giving her the estrogen manipulating her into liking me? i know that isnt why, but what if it secretly was, and im a bad person becasue of it? fuck, man. i just want to feel close to people, why do i do this to myself?
i've been trying to get the motivation to do the things i want to. i fried my first teensy because i couldn't unsolder pins from it and burned it while trying, and i've had my replcement for a week or two and have yet to use it at all. i did try today, i managed to focus my mind enough to set up a simple circuit with it to do a tutorial thing for the audio library, but for a reason i can't figure out it wont recognize the pots im trying to use. it registers a pot when i touch both the ground pin and the io pin with a finger, but won't when i use a pot. i don't get it. that kinda killed the momentum after trying to fix it for a bit. who knows when i'll have the focus to try again. i wish focusing was easier, it's so hard to sharpen the hazey cloud that is my thoughts enough to anything but passively consume. even reading is outside of my abilities regularly, the most i'm usually able to do it push play on a song or video or podcast. it sucks, i hate it, i want to *do* things. i want to fuck with my teensy, i want to write songs, i want to stream, i want to read, i want to build things, i want to fix things, but its so hard.
i did have the focus yesterday to try to fix a tape deck i got. it came in yesterday, and seemed like it was working but just needed some new belts. when i cracked it open however gears were rubbery and breaking, and i gave up. the gears were dissolving to quickly for me to bea able to identify what kind of replacement i need, and i couldn't find a service manual anywhere that might have told me. oh well, i took a gamble on an untested and very cheap ebay listing and lost. so it goes.
i fucking hate working.
im so fucking frustrated. i just paid a bill to planned parenthood, except who fucking knows if i paid it right. the website on the bill i've used to pay in the past doesnt fucking exist anymore so i went to the planned parenthood site and found a new payment system there, but the system asks for a statement number when the bill doesnt have fucking anything labelled as statement number, so i put in the one labelled account number. it also didnt give any indication if the bill i was paying actually fucking exists, it just had me type in the number on the bill and took my money without showing me the actual bill i was paying so i would know im fucking paying it right. im so fucking frustrated, if you're going to fuck me in the ass with medical bills at least make it so i can actually fucking pay you, you fucking assholes.
i should have stolen the businessman who fucked me in the ritz carltons wallet.
i can give any number of reasons for not wanting kids, most of them valid and true, but the only really real one is i don't trust myself to not perpetuate the trauma my dad inflicted on me, which my grandparents inflicted on him, and probably their parents inflicted on them. i can't trust myself no matter how much better i feel i get, it's a risk i am not willing to take, i don't want to hurt anyone like i've been hurt and i feel the only way to make sure i don't fuck my kid up for life is to not have a kid.
i paid neocities to become a supporter, i can upload whatever files i want now which is pretty neat. gonna create a music page i think and upload shit i record there.
weed is a lot of fun, especially since i dont use that often, it makes when i do use more novel.
the new laptop is fucking amazing. it's so cool being able to just, like, do things, without worrying about if the laptop can even handle it. very nice.
the past months has had so many fucking attacks on trans people, especially trans children. it's fucking exhausting to constantly be under attack, to constantly be painted as a predator fetishist trying to rape women in bathrooms and forcing children to transition. so fucking exhausting. i don't have energy right now to really go off about it, maybe if i remember to update this site tomorrow and i have the energy i'll get into more depth about how fucking angry and frustrated i am.
looks like uprising 2 has begun.
i got my tax return, it had the previous 2 stimulus bills in it. i bought a fairly decent laptop, should get here tomorrow. i'm pumped. also got a digital 4 track recorder just for fun lol. i'm legitimately giddy about it, i've wanted a 4 track recorder for so long, it doesnt make too much sense because even my raspberry pi can do so much more than it but i can take the 4 track anywhere and it'll make a great kinda sketchpad for music i think.
i'd been in a kind of depressive episode for the past several months but these past few days have been pretty ok. i had a panic attack on monday and felt like shit for a few days after that, but the past couple days i've been feeling good. no idea where that came from but im not complaining.
i've been working on writing songs for the past few days. lyrics are where i struggle the most, for the life of me i can't get over this shitty writers block i've had for almost 3 years now. honestly i've been thinking about going off my meds for a bit and i'm probably gonna do it, not just because i got the writers block directly after starting my current meds and i want to see of goingoff them clears it up, but also because i'm just tired of wellbutrins effect on me. we'll see how that goes.
i finally replaced my desk chair. the one i had was new i believe around the regan administration? like my fathers workplace was getting rid of it in the early 2000s because it was so old and he took it home, and now it's 20 years later. it finally broke irrepairably a few days ago. the new chair is just a cheap one, but holy fuck it is so much nicer, theres actual back support and it isn't loose in every single joint like the old one. 10/10 upgrade, very pleased.
i could text tiff at any time to let her know i didn't jump off a bridge, but i don't, because i'm a coward. she is one of the few people i know genuinely care about me, she helped me through my addiction, she supported me more than anyone else did, when i went to the psych ward i called her before i called my fucking parents, and how do i repay her? by dissapearing during a depressive spiral 2 years ago and ignoring her repeated attempts to reach out for the past 2 years because i'm a fucking coward and ashamed. she texted me last thanksgiving to say she thinks about me and hopes im ok. she doesn't know if i've killed myself or not, for all she knows shes texting a fucking dead girl. she deserves better than this. i should text her but i won't. fucking pathetic.
i read detransition baby by torrey peters earlier this week. holy shit. i have never seen a book more accurately potray my experiences as a trans woman. it was painful having so many feelings and experiences of mine that i've locked away be on full display like that. the mortifying experience of being known. i need to read it again, i had several breakdowns reading it and haven't been able to really process everything the book has to give yet. it gave me so much to think about, put so many thoughts i have into extremely elegant words, made brutally clear things about myself i've been in denial about, many very relevant observations about the trans experience, fuck. fuck. i need to read it again.
im working on a cover of american music by the violent femmes for a cover compilation right now. my chromebook is very very bad for audio production so im thinking of abandoning my raspberry pi twitch streaming camera project for now so i can use the pi for music insterad, because its more powerful than my laptop. jesus i just need to get a real computer, this is fucking rediculous lol.
i ate all the edibles between the 23rd and the 31st, i ate 125 mg on new years eve, that was a fucking trip lmao. i'm gonna not buy anymore until the holidays again probably, because i know how i am with drugs. or maybe i wont wait and i'll get into a habit and i'll develop another drug problem. who knows.
i've been reading malatesta. i don't know if iv'e written any of my thoughts on him already and i'm not gonna check, i'm just gonna say them now. i like his writings a lot. i started with at the cafe(anarchist library link), which i thought was phenomenal. it lays out the arguments for anarchism very well, is easy and even fun to read, and isn't too long. now im ready anarchy by malatesta(anarchist library link) which i don't have too many thoughts on so far. i think his writings are going to be what i recommend when someone asks me where to find out more about anarchism. i'm glad i finally got around to reading his work, it's very good.
i have not been good about updating this site this month. it hasn't been the best month for me tbh. lots of depression, broke down at work a few times, idk. just not fun in general. yesterday i went up to the city and bought some silly little marijuana gummy candies. i haven't had weed in almost exactly 3 years, and never edibles. last night i had one, it was wonderful. i forgot how nice weed is. im gonna have another tonight.
i've made some internet friends. ive become friends with a lot of communist femboys which has been fun.
i want to go fishing again. i haven't been since winter really kicked off.
i've started going for long walks at night, it's been really nice to just be able to walk and listen to music or just think. it's also been good for my health, i already feel better than when i wasn't doing really any sort of exhertion. it does sometimes remind me of idaho when i would go for long walks every night, but those walks were a lot sadder. i'm not suicidal like i was in idaho. thats one good thing, i have yet to be as bad as i was in idaho. it would be hard to get to a worse spot than idaho was.
things have been pretty bad for me.
i decided i like the femboy aesthetic. it's a good one.
i'm gonna borrow my moms violin to use on some folk punk songs i'm trying to write, i feel like me playing violin really badly would add to my music.
tried to go fishing this morning. it was so damn windy, i couldn't cast more than a few yards and wasn't willing to walk the mile to a better spot. oh well. also didn't notice any witch hazel while i was out, at some point i need to go on a dedicated hunt for it, i know it's in those woods somewhere, i just haven't found it yet.
i feel so sick, the night after injecting estrogen and the next few nights always make me feel so nauseous, i need to talk about that with my doctor when i see them next. i think i have an appointment next week, or maybe it's this saturday, i should check i guess. god i feel gross.
my dad called me sierra in public today, that was weird and uncomfortable. (also i'm better now). i mean i appreciate it, but like i was very much not presenting fem, i don't really want people to know i'm trans when i'm not presenting as such. i want to have control over that as much as i can, i didn't like him essentially outing me to those around us.
i'm feeling a bit better. still feel shitty but not as bad. i pulled my neck yesterday, so that fuckin sucks lol. my neck fucking hurts in addition to having covid. can't catch a break.
i've been listening to meatmachine by twin chicken on repeat for the past few days. such a phenomenal album. it's anticapitalist, experimental rock/pop/electronic, and it gets pretty brown in some places. so fucking good. the song "neoliberalism makes me want to kill myself" stands out to me. highly recommended. she also has a site, which is how i found it.
sorry i haven't updated my site in a bit. i'm dealing with having covid at the moment.
i've been reading maltesta, he's a very enjoyable author to read.
i am straight up not paying attention to the news for the next several weeks. fuck this election bullshit, i can't do anything about it and it wont change much either wayno matter who wins. no use torturing myself by following every little development. i'm gonna stream and listen to music instead, maybe get around to reading maltesta's at the cafe.
i forgot to update for a few days, oops. i got my red card today, i'm officially a card carrying wobbly. epic. a few days ago i played pigeon pit in the car when picking up my dad, he liked it, he's a fan now which is cool, they're a good band. i replaced the bernie pin on my guitar strap with the iww pin that came when i got the card. i also ordered an iww back patch, i decided i want to have a battle jacket and i should start collecting patches so i have some to attach once i can afford a jacket. i want a leather one but i'll probably get a denim just becuase it will be easier to afford.
i straight up don't remember what i've done today, i have no recollection of today at all.
someone tipped me 10 dollars while streaming today, that was fucking sick. i also had like 3 people active in chat, which was so fun. i like streaming.
worked at the shop today. 2 customers total lol.
i hate trying to record at home. i feel so anxious about the people in the house hearing me record, so my singing is always weak and quiet. what i need to do is take my mic and guitar in the car, go park somewhere super out of the way, and record there. that's what i did in the past, maybe tonight or tomorrow i'll do that. it feels hella good making music again tho.
i wrote a song today, it's been so long but i've actually written a whole ass song.
i want to get back into mtg. i stopped paying attention to mtg in 2016, the last set i remember is kaladesh. i made a pauper cube in 2015, i wish i still had it. i have the card list but i don't want to rebuild it. i should buy some bulk common/uncommons and make a new cube. cube is so fuckign fun to play.
the worse things get, the more violently trans i will become.
i'm gonna take my little sister fishing tomorrow, i'm really excited.
i need to stop waiting for inspiration to write music to come and just write it. the rare occasion i do get inspiration i'm never able to act on it because i'm not in the habit of writing music and haven't really done it in a long time so my mind just goes blank. i think i'm gonna try to write songs every day for a bit regardless of their quality, i need to just get shit flowing so i can better use the inspiration i get.
god i fucking love black dresses, such a good fucking band.
streaming is so much more fun when there's at least one person active in the chat. when i was way more consistent last year, there were 3 or 4 regulars who would watch most of my streams, but after taking a break and now being super inconsistent with my streaming schedule, i haven't seen them in a while, if anyone chats it's a rando who finds my stream in the list and says hi and watches for a few minutes before leaving. very rarely someone will stick around for a while and that's always super nice. i don't even care about the statistics or anything, i'm not actively trying to get affiliate or whatever it's called, i just want to be preforming for someone instead of broadcasting into the void. after a few streams with no one watching i'll get discouraged and not stream for a bit until i get the itch to stream again. today someone stayed for a bit and it was hella fun, i always preform better when someones watching, the anxiety melts away if someone stays and chats for a bit. it's validating.
i like the new mountain goats album a lot. i fucking love the mountain goats. i think it's sick that a disproportionate number of trans women are into the mountain goats, it's weird that so many trans women like them but to be fair a lot of thier songs are straight up unintentional trans anthems.
i want to write music so bad but i literally can't, idk whats stopping me but there's something holding me back from actually doing it. thank you executive dysfunction, very cool.
got the yerba mate gourd and bombilla i ordered today, gotta say, its fuckin sick. i love yerba mate.
got new strings for my electric guitar today. i can finally play it again, it's been a little bit since it had strings on it.
almost forgot to write an entry today. got paid for working the shop, i bought some wet shave shit on amazon and a bombilla and gourd for yerba mate so i can stop brewing it like a pourover, like a pleb lol. note on buying wet shaving stuff: i fucking hate the brand of millennial thats way too into shaving. holy fuck, calm down. you aren't a barber in the 50s, jason, you're 35 and paying 2.5k a month for a gentrified studio apartment in brooklyn. i also fucking hate the aesthetic of most shaving companies. i have to avoid a majority of shaving products if i don't want to see a curly moustache a/o 2 razors in a crossbones shape, on a wood grain print background, with some horrible wannabe 1920s style font every time i shave. it isn't fucking 2012, drop the hipster ass aesthetic you fucking nerds. that aesthetic is just gentrification-core, and every fucking ~craft~ or ~gormet~ company created by a millennial has it. i hate it so so fucking much. JUST MAKE NEW THINGS, STOP WITH THIS FETISHIZATION OF THE PAST, STOP MASHING IDEALIZED AESTHETICS FROM EVERYTHING FROM THE PAST 150 YEARS INTO SOME BASTARDIZED LAME ASS BASIC FUCKING DUMB SHIT AESTHEITC FUCKING HELL JUST DO SOMETHING NEW YOU YUPPY FUCKS GOD DAMN I HATE IT WITH A FUCKING PASSION
maybe my left thigh just doesn't take injections as well as my right, because i did it right this time, i didn't fuck up, but it still hurts noticably more than my right leg does. oh well, it's bearable, i can get used to it. i'm hoping to get subcutaneous needles soon so i can try injecting subcutaneously. i need to schedule a follow up appointment with my doctor and get my levels tested etc.
i've been reading capitalist realism today. i'm probably gonna finish it tonight hopefully, i'll write up my thoughts on it either tonight or tomorrow.
i wanna go fishing tomorrow, idk if i'll go in the morning or night tho. last night i didn't fall asleep at a good time, so i'd have to make sure to fall asleep nice and early tonight if i went in the morning. i honestly don't know what i'm doing when i'm fishing, like i've read up and watched videos on techniques and such, but i have no fuckin clue whats going on when i go lol, i just vibe and enjoy myself, but i don't catch much. it's chill tho, i'm happy just getting out and enjoying the nature and the water, and maybe catching a fish if i can.
i tried to go fishing at like 6am. i wasn't able to slep before, so i was fucking tired. the place i wanted to go was closed, so i went to OTO. it was freezing and i was on a rocky outcroppping in the middle of the river, so it was fucking freezing and windy, and i didn't have gloves. after about 30 minutes of fishing and not catching anything, my hat fell in the water. i took that, on top of everything else, as a sign i wasn't supposed to be out fishing right then so i went home and slept until like 2pm lol. gonna try to go to sleep at a normal time tonight so this doesn't fuck up my sleep for a week. maybe next time will go better, hopefully.
i did things today, but for the life of me i can't recall what the things i did are. i have no recolection of today, which is odd.
my aunt apparently is staying the weekend. i had a conversation with my parents and her about politics. she was very not prepared for me and my dad to argue about communism seriously lmao, i don't think most of my family understand how radicalized i've become. they know i am strongly left, but i think they think im a radlib, not a communist lol. i also dont think her or my parents realized how much shit i get as a trans woman. i told them about my experiences getting harrassed online and irl and they were shocked. i was very matter of fact and they were fucking horrified. maybe they understand where some of my radicalization stems from now.
i added 2 aux ports to my stereo system today. it only has a single input on the front, so i added 2 on the back so my turntable doesn't hae to be plugged in to the front and have an annoying cable hanging off. now it plugs in to the back and there's another for when i eventually get a tape deck. i added a switch to choose between them. i did it with the grounds, so it doesn't actually work that well, there's still cross talk. oh well, it works well enough. definitely better than before, that's for sure.
i wonder how my ex is doing. i hope shes doing well. my ex is actually the first person i came out as trans to, i did it so she would stop texting me like 2 years ago lmao. we haven't talked since then, so i guess it worked lol.
stravinsky's rite of spring is my favorite piece of classical music. i don't know enough about classical music to be able to say what it is about it i like, but it's such an epic piece, it feels so physically and conceptually large. it has a weight to it most pieces don't. a delight to listen to from front to back.
accidentally sliced off a bit of my fingertip, i got too cocky and overconfident while carving a lure, and the universe punished me accordingly. fucking hurts, ow. i won't be able to play guitar for a bit. fucking hell, this was so dumb and so avoidable.
the furnace wrote a piece on carmen sandiego and nostalgia, which got me thinking about nostalgia.
i fucking hate morrissey. he's legit one of my favorite artists, but i don't feel comfortable listening to him or the smiths anymore. i don't really care if someone listens to a bad artist or whatever, i don't think consumption is a political choice and since there can't be ethical consumption under capitalism, it's no different listening to morrissey asit is some other less shitty artist. death of the author is valid. that being said, i can't hear his voice without thinking about all the shitty things about him, and i can't enjoy the music. some of my best memories are completely ruined because i learned about how shitty he is. i went to a morrissey concert when i was 14, and it was so fucking sick, but now it makes me uncomfortable thinking about it. fuck morrissey, piece of shit. morrissey ruined morrissey for me.
i did some cleaning today. my mom gave me a shelf that wasn't being used to keep all my plants on, and cleaning that off got me started deep cleaning my room. it feels much cleaner and comfy now.
i listened to a bunch of records in my collection i don't listen to much today. a bunch of random records from the 80s, the go-gos, frank sinatra, rite of spring, and then cereal killers by too much joy, but i listen to too much joy all the time. too much joy is such a phenomenal band, i love them so much. last night i made a too much joy sticker really quick to slap on my guitar. they have a nice logo. music is so sick.
is vegan kraft mac n cheese type things just inherently awful? i've tried like 3 brands now and they all taste like a rotting corpse. not just bad, but vicserally disgusting.
injections are getting easier. this one went faster and i didn't even cry. i didn't fuck up the location this time so the actual injecting didn't hurt, just uncomfortable. my tits are sore, so i think the estrogen is working. i still have to numb the injection site with ice to be able to do it, but thats more a mental thing than anything. it doesn't hurt that bad at all. it's the having to inflict that small amount of pain on myself that sucks. i'm surprised how quickly it's getting easier to suck it up and do it, this is my only my 3rd injection and it's so much easier than the second time, which was so much easier than the first. if it keeps going like this i don't think i'll have an issue in a month or two, it will be just another thing i have to do rather than a whole big thing like it is for me now.
i'm looking into knife making. i could easily and cheaply get a decent wood carving knife, but why do that when i could instead spend much time, money and effort to make my own mediocre carving knife myself? i swear, sometimes i feel like my desire to do things myself goes to rediculous extremes. just buy a 30 dollar knife dumbass lol. honestly that's probably what i'm going to do, but i'm also almost certainly going to make my own at some point. making things is fun. semi related, i always think of selling the shit i make, but i don't want to commodify the things i do for fun. sometimes i think i could just make the things i want on my own schedule and put those up for sale individually as i make them, but even then i feel like that would make my hobbies less fun for me. damn capitalism making me feel like shit for not wanting to make every aspect of my life profitable.
my mom gave me some plants. she gave me a tea tree, which i think is sick. my family is mormon, so they don't drink tea. she gave it to me because i am not mormon, and i will drink tea. it will take a few years before i can harvest leaves from this plant tho, it's a tiny baby plant. she also gave me awful advice. she says to glue closed the drainage holes in the bottom of pots? no, they need to fucking drain lol. i drilled holes in the bottom of the tea tree pot and so much water came out that was just sitting stagnant in there. it's a miracle she's able to keep plants alive.
watching some youtube videos on making a forge. maybe i'll actually do it at some point. i have way too many projects i want to do. i just remembered i haven't made a page for my fishing lures yet, i'll do that tonight.
i went and fished with the crankbait i made. it's shit lol. oh well, i learned things. i gotta be much more careful to keep it completely symmetrical. mine was off center which caused a lot of issues. i also tried throwing a dropshot rig, but nothing was biting.
i streamed today. i couldn't sing for shit, much worse than normal. my throat was so tight for no damn reason. i'm not even anxious right now, i don't understand. oh well, maybe i should start actually warming up my voice before streaming.
i've watched the last 2 seasons of bojack horseman, it's so good and i am sad now. such a good show.
i know i shouldn't be shocked, but the amount of antisemitism that's just accepted as the norm is insane. even amongst leftists, communists. i've been on reddit arguing against antisemetic views for hours now. the problem is not a fucking group of elites who exist behind the scenes and secretly control everything, it's the fucking system itself thats the problem. jesus fucking christ. i'm gonna type up a rant about this later, but holy fuck it's so fucking common.
arguing with blackpilled people is my least favortite thing. it's so stupid. capitalism hasn't "won", just because it exists now doesn't mean it will always exist. i'm arging with the guy with the antisemitic views. he is incapable of seeing things from outside of a "the system is headed by the most powerful people in the world" view. it isn't that, that isn't right. what it really is is "the most powerful people in the worlds power is predicated on capitalism, they have power because they head the system, they don't head the system because they have power". the people with power are a fucking class, it doesn't matter what individuals are in the class, even if you wiped out every single person in the bourgieosie(i will not spell check that), new people would just take their place and nothing would change. you need to change the fucking system, and the bourgiosie will cease to exist. that's the only way. fuck it's frustrating.
i need to fix my sleep schedule. i woke up at like 430pm today. i think i'm gonna stay up all night tonight and go to sleep at a normal time tomorrow. maybe i'll go fishing early in the morning. i hate when my sleep schedule gets fucked up, it makes me feel like such a failure. i need to get a fucking job. i want to move out of my parents house, but i need fucking money to do that. fuck.
my lure is finished. i probably should give it another clear coat, but i'm not going to, i want to fish with it now. i'm gonna do that later today. it turned out not the best but not entirely horrific, which is a win in my book. i'll make a project page for it (maybe more lures too?) tonight.
the wire i used in the lure isn't rust proof. fuck. i might not be able to use it again, which sucks. it worked way better than it had any right to, it's action was so fucking good, but it's gonna rust. damn it. i lost the crankbait i found a few tiems ago when i went fishing tonight, so i'm making one. i'll use better wire this time so i can use it more than once.
i went fishing at like 6am today, i caught my first largemouth which is fucking sick, and i also found an old whopper plopper lure, which is also fucking sick. good fuckin morning of fishing, god damn lol.
i've sealed my popper lure and just started painting it. i'm dping it by hand with a brush because i don't have an airbrush. it isn't gonna be the prettiest lure, it's kinda lumpy and the paint job wont be the best, but it should be usable and should hopefully catch things. im hoping it will be dried, sealed and fishable by either tomorrow or the day after.
i'm carving a popper lure. i aslo made a spinner bait, and a bottle cap spinner. i'm a fucking goddess, my ability to do many random things such as bait making very mediocrely is unmatched by any mortal. i'm glad i make my own shit so often, i will go to rediculous lengths to avoid spending a few bucks on something i could make myself lol. it's helped me be sort of a jack of all trades, i know a bit about a lot of different skills. it's fun.
ok, this injection went smoother, but i injected in my quad rather than whatever the back of the thigh muscles are, and holy shit it was much worse pain wise. it was over faster, but at what cost? lesson learned, do back leg, not front leg.good to know, wish i didn't have to learn it the hard way lol.
i went fishing, and didn't catch anything, but i did find two lures on the ground that i took. i'm pretty happy becasue they're a square bill and a lipless crank, and both of those are really fun to use.
tomorrow i have to do my second estrogen injection. hopefully it will go better than last week. i got invited to a discord server for my friends label. it's a cool label, owned and ran collectively, but my friend is the main label person. he's such a good musician and has been so influential in the diy scene i'm in, even if he doesn't get nearly as much recognition as he deserves. i'm happy to be in the orbit of him and his label, they're all cool people and fantastic artists. it's funny, i was on a cover comp the label did before i knew anyone, i just submitted a cover and it was put on the comp, it was actually really sick. now i know a lot of the people on the label better and i was so lucky to stumble onto this group. i've been way luckier in music than i have any right to have been. it isn't like i put out all that much music, just an ep in 2018, and i've been working off and on on an album since then, but i've been able to meet the coolest people because of it, and i'm very happy about that. i really want to record and relase music way more than i do, but i can never seem to sit down and do it, i love it when i do it but it's so hard for me to start. i get caught up in technical bullshti and never actually write songs or record them, it's annoying. i need to just do it.
ween is one of the greatest bands if all time.
dwarf fortress is so fucking complex lol, how the fuck did i play this before? i remember nothing aparently, i have no ide awhat i'm doing lol.
i've kept up with updating this journal on my site better than any other attempt i've made at journaling. i think it's becasue it can be seen by others, but is still relatively anonymous. i can't get the feeling out of my head that a thing doesn't matter unless others percieve it. that feeling effects everything i do, even though i don't agree with it philisophically. i consiously think nothing has meaning, which is freeing to me, knowing that nothing will ultimately matter frees me to do things that will make me happy and that i think will make others happy. despite that, my mind still assigns meaning to things, and becasue of that i unconsiously feel that if something won't be perceived, it makes no difference if it exists or not, even if creating that thing will bring me happiness. my mind wants to have things mean something, and so the things i do have to be able to be perceived by others. i don't know how to resolve this contradiction in my head, and any time i try to force it, it doesn't stick. oh well, i guess it doesn't matter one way or another, so i'll keep making the things i do percievable by others, because that seems to be a prerequisite for me to do things that make me happy. maybe i'll get over that or synthesise it into my world view at somepoint, but for now i'm just going to aknowledge the contradiction and move on.
i went and picked up my sister from dc today, she's coming home for a day because tomorrow they're all going apple picking. the car started shaking on the drive home, i'm gonna need to check it out, it might just be it needs oil.
i'm gonna make an art page. i don't draw that often, but when i do, i put the post it note i drew on up on my wall. i think it looks cool. i'll scan each one individually and recreate the wall on a webpage.
i'm feeling good today. i don't know why. i'm not gonna complain, i don't feel good often, i usually feel anywhere from nothing to hella bad, so this is a nice change of pace. hopefully having estrogen pumping through my viens will make it a bit easier for me to feel good. i know it isn't a magic cure all drug, but it seems like not having to worry about testosterone destroying my body every second of the day will make it a bit easier, it's one less thing to worry about, and that was a very significant worry i had. i think i'm gonna go fishing tonight, i'll go to OTO and see if i can catch anything under the footbridge now that i have a pole that can use the lures i have that i couldn-t use with my ultralight because they were too big.
i think i'm gonna start playing dwarf fortress again. it's been a while, i'm gonna have to relearn a lot, but i miss it. dwarf fortress is cool, because it's basically anarchism simulator. you assign tasks, but the dwarfs decide what work they want, when to do the work, take breaks when they want, etc. there's also no class herarchy. technically there is, but what the nobles do is hoard resources and wealth without contributing anything. you don't need them to succeed, and really you don't want them. the dwarfs are happy to govern themselves. it's fuckin sick. df is such a cool fuckin game, highly reccommended. it's hard for me to put into words why i love it so much, but it's so detailed, so complex, so fun, so open, i love it,
went fishing and used my new pole. i think i'd need to go earlier than i did, i went around 10am. maybe next time i'll try to leave around 7. i didn't catch anything. i also lost my favorite crankbait by getting it caught in a tree, very sad.
i finally have a trans flag, it's hanging on my wall. it maybe got people to watch my twitch stream, i had more viewers than normal after putting it up, maybe some transes saw the flag and decided to watch for a bit, i know i'm more likely to watch a stream if i can tell the streamer is trans so maybe other people do the same thing.
getting ffmpeg to record my webcam is turing out to be very difficult. i don't know what's going wrong, i'll have to poke around and try more shit later. no functioning raspberry pi stream yet.
i want to get the raspberry pi camera module. i could use my old webcam i'm using now for the streaming camera, but i would much prefer something like the camera module because it would be higher quality and i could switch out the lens. the cost is prohibitly (spelling?) high for me right now tho. i'll have to use my webcam to do it at least for now. obs isn't able to be installed on a raspberry pi without some work, which i don't want to do. i think i'll see if i can get ffmpeg to stream my camera to twitch, and if i can't i'll try to get obs working. i also want a screen on the camera so i can see what it's picking up, and to show the chat maybe. maybe if i wanted to have chat show on camera i would need a second screen seperate from the viewfinder screen, idk. i can't get a screen right now either way. really the project right now is just getting a stream set up, i can't do any of the hardware things right now really, i'll have to wait until i come into a bit of cash. maybe i can have a battery pack on the camera so i wouldn't need to be tethered to an outlet. idk.
i was finally able to pick up my estradiol today!!!! walgreens had it and i just did my first injection. it was fucking awful lol it took me like 45 minutes to be able to do it, and i cried and nearly passed out afterwards lol. welp, i'm finally on hrt. feels fucking good man. i didn't immediately grow massive tits, which is disapointing, but i guess i can wait lol. i have my new fishing pole and a trans flag arriving tomorrow, i'm feeling good right now. i'll go fishing later maybe, and then i'll go fishing with my new pole on wednesday the 30th in the morning.
i think i'm gonna buy a hat from this is hell. they're without a doubt one of, if not the, best interview talk shows. 10/10, been listening for a long time, always a treat to listen to. their hats are sick too.
i want to be several months on hormones already, mostly because i want to make earrings out of 2 vials of estradiol. also because i want titties and the other effects of hrt, but mostly because of the earrings.
fucking broke the high e string on my electric. gotta buy new strings i guess, damn it.
i'm gonna try to make a raspberry pi streaming camera. i want to not be tied to my desk for my twitch streams where i play guitar. i'm gonna make a webpage under projects for it, idk if i'll actually be able to succeed, i guess we'll have to see lol.
i started writing a new song, and the lyrics are so fucking cliche. it's fine tho, i don't really care, i just need to get my creative juices flowing. i think i might create a new neocities site soon and put the site back online. i regret taking it down, i just got hella paranoid, and went and deleted almost all of my accounts everywhere. i hate being this paranoid, it gets in the way of my existing in the world.
i joined the iww. i'm unemployed, i don't really have a good reason to join a union, but i feel like it's better to be in a union than not be in a union. idk. i ordered a fishing pole today. it's pink and medium weight, so i don't have to worry about the pole snapping if a fish bigger than a few pounds bites.
today's my birthday. i'm 22. probably gonna be sad all day, i fucking hate my birthday.
i went fishing after waking up, i finally caught something. i caught 2 bluegills, i'm very pleased. i was given a bit of money as a gift and i bought kratom with some of it.
i went fishing in Oq park yesterday, didn't catch anything and couldn't find a good spot to actually fish. i transferred my prescription to walgreens becuase cvs was out of stock of estradiol and wouldn't be getting more. hopefully walgreens will actually be able to sell me it. i still don't have the syringes, idk what i need to do to get them, i may just order them on amazon tbh, cvs fucking sucks so hard.
depression is hitting real hard. this shit sucks. i've been staying off twitter because i'm convinced the friends i've made there hate me now. honestly it's probably for the best, i should stay off twitter because twitter fucking sucks even when i'm not depressed and paranoid. twitter is just garbage.
i deleted my site from neocities, haven't updated it in a few days. i got paranoid. maybe i'll make a new account and put it back up at some point.
yesterday i went to OTO with my family, we walked around. there was a patriot front sticker on a stop sign, i took it off.
i went fishing in OTO today, just for an hour or so under a pretty high foot bridge. there were other people around, they caught some fish but i didn't. i did find a cool lure that i kept tho lol.
the only things that have really been keeping my attention recently have been fishing and hrt, you might be able to tell reading my last several entries lol. my brain can't really focus on anything else or really think coherent thoughts on anything else. the stress of being at the finish line of starting hrt but not being able to cross because of stupid fucking buerucratic bullshit is fucking with me, my sleep is fucked and i cant think straight. i just want this to be fucking done with and me finally having massive fuckin tits. if i don't have huge ass motherfuckin bonhonkerdooinos immediately after doing my first injection i'm gonna be upset lol.
still no hrt. i'm fucking tired.
i ran out of kratom a few days back and i gotta say i wish i had some lol, i'm having mild withdrawl symptoms such as very minor light headedness, but mostly it just feels like part of my ngihtly routine is missing, i don't have the kratom to chill me out a bit like i usually do. i think i'll pick some up once i get a bit of cash. i need a fucking job, jesus christ.
i went back to cvs today. i was able to get just the drawing needles. not the syringes, the injecting needles, or the actual estradiol. im gonna fucking cry, i just want to fucking start hormones already and i can't because cvs is fucking trash.
went fishing again today, for about 5 hours. didn't catch anything but did lose quite a few baits due to getting caught on shit in the water, which sucks lol.
i'm so fucking tired of dealing with cvs. i think i'm gonna find a new pharmacy. it's so fucking difficult to just get what i was prescribed. why are they trying to talk to my doctor to change the prescription? its fucking estrogen, give it to me please.
i wan't able to pick up my prescription yesterday because cvs was out of stock, today i'm gonna go in and bully them until it's sorted out i think.
just got back from cvs, it's gonna be in stock tomorrow so i'm just gonna wait. not ideal but i don't want to drive to get it.
i went fishing again today, just for about an hour or so. i didn't catch anything which is ok. it was nice. i walked to the painted rocks this time, it was a bit too sunny for my taste tho so eventually i went back to the spot i fished from last time. i think when i go fishing with my friend from twitter we'll go to a different park, idk maybe i just dont have luck at the marina and should try somewhere else.
at some point i'm gonna sit down and figure out my stance on intelectual property. i don't like it, and i think it shouldn't exist, but when i try to explain why I can't do it well. i need to find a way to explain it that makes sense instead of being a web of ideas in my mind that makes sense to me and only me.
today is my appointment with planned parenthood. hopefully i'll get an hrt prescription. i porbably won't, i'll need to do a blood test first, but after that, hopefully.
update: !!!!!!! i got prescribed E and i don't even need to get blood drawn for a bit bc i'm doing estrogen monotherapy so my kidney function doesn't need to be tested. fucking pog, man.
i just realized i have a stutter. i'm not even mad that i have one, thats whatever, but how the fuck did i never know this?? i'm the one saying the damn words, i feel like this is something i should have been aware of before i was about to turn 22 lmao. how weird.
happy 9/11 everyone!
i'm going fishing with a twitter mutual on the 16th. im excited but like how do i interact with people? i was already bad at it before i was isolated for 6 months so i have no fuckin idea how to act anymore lol. i guess we'll see.
i went fishing! didn't catch anything but that's ok, it was only for like an hour. i'm getting back into the swing of it, i need to remember how to actually fish lol. i walked down a path along side a river in a park near me for about a mile and found a nice little rocky area to fish from. i did get attacked by a dragonfly once which wasn't fun. it was overall really nice, i love being outside and just fishing. i just went through and replaced all the treble hooks on my lures with barbless singles, i don't want to hurt the fish too bad and single and barbless should help make it less likely they get too hurt.
the smoking popes are my favorite band without a doubt. no band has been as influential on me or come even close to how special they are to me. i've seen them live i wanna say 3 times now? the first was when i was 14 in 2012, it was at the red palace in dc. that was my first show (well my parents had taken me to a few tmbg childrens shows, but i'm not counting those). the red palace clsoed down a few weeks after, which is a damn shame, that place was so fucking cool. it was kinda burlesque themed, the stage was upstairs and the floor constantly felt like it was gonna give out under you if you jumped just a bit too hard lol. that was such a defining moment to me, i don't even know how to explain it, that shit just hit right down to my core. i wanna say i saw them in 2017 at the black cat at the red room stage (which also has closed down, they only have the main stage now, which is sad because the back stage was the best place to see a show hands down) and what was weird was chris farren was the opening act. i'm not complaining, but since getting involved with the scene i did which chris farren is ajacent to, he has absolutely no business opening for the popes lol i don't know how that came to be, but im so glad it did, it was phenomenal. i saw them last year in 2019 too, at a place in baltimore i cant remember the name of, and after the show they said they were probably done touring the country cause they were getting old. i hope that isn't the case, i want to see them if it's at all possible after covid. the only band that might come close to the level of obsession i have with the popes would probably be too much joy. i put on the popes first album "get fired" earlier and i was thinking about how i know every note of every single smoking popes recording as far as i am aware, they're like home to me, listening to them just feels so natural to me. idk, i just fucking love them lol.
i found fishing gear, i'm gonna go fishing tomorrow. im pumped af i'm gonna catch some fuckin bluegill.
went and visited my sister in the city. her new apartment is way nicer than her last one. it has a big window facing the street, but it's higer up so people on the street can't see in. it's bigger too and isn't a studio. she has rooftop access now nad it's the talleset building in the area so no one can see up there. she has more privacy than a lot of others in the city, and she isn't even paying that much. i'm jealous. i'm still in the suburbs living with my parents. i wish i didn't have the mental health issues i have, i could be in such a better spot right now if i was better, or hell even just broken in a different way than i am. oh well, i can't really change that, i can just keep pushing forward and try to progress in life a bit. right now i'm putting most of my effort into just not getting worse, it's taking a lot to just not slide back into where i was before. i'm still making some progress tho, i'm gonna start hormones and i'm looking for a job, so maybe things will change soon-ish, i hope.
i'm looking into labor jobs. maybe some kinda railyard gig. or building. i could probably get a construction job not too hard. i'm worried about being visibly trans tho. i want to work with my hands but the unions around here are pretty reactionary from what i've heard from past coworkers. idk. maybe it wouldn't be that bad. i'm submitting applications anyways. i think i'm gonna join the iww. i started talking unionization with coworkers at my last job at a fast food joint, but haad to quit before the ball could get rolling or (more likely) before it was found out and i got fired lol.
i am desperate to get out of my parents house, they're desperate for me to get out, but i don't know how to fucking do that. i want to move to another state.
four days until my appointment with planned parenthood to get started on hrt. they do informed consent so i'm hoping it will go better than the last psychiatrist.
i might go fishing with someone i know from twitter. i've met them once before at a house show but i don't really know them, either wayi think it'll be fun. i miss hanging with people, i'm honestly more excited than i should be at even the prospect of hanging out with someone i don't live in the same house with. i need to get some tackle or see if i can find my old tackle. i don't remember if i threw it away or if i put it into storage, i'll check the attic tomorrow. if i have to buy new tackle idk where i'll get the money from. i got paid yesterday for running the shop, but it all went to buying liquid nicotine and pg so i can make my own vape juice since commerical juice is gonna be near impossible to get. the nicotine i bought should last me years, so i don't have to worry about buying more anytime soon. i need to get a damn job. i'll probably come into a bit more cash later in the month so it may be fine that i can't afford any tackle right now. fuck, i also need to get kratom at some point. seriously, don't get hooked on substances, kids. this shit sucks and makes me broke lol. well i guess kratom i'm not really hooked on, i can and have stopped using it with no reprecussions, i just like having a bit in the evening to chill out a bit, it's good for my anxiety. theres so much i want to get and i have no source of income. it's obnoxious. maybe i'll submit some applications tomorrow and see if i can get some shitty customer service job or something. i don't want to work customer service but i also want to save money and move out of my parents house, and i have no marketable skills at the moment. existing fucking sucks lol.
i'm trying to find some new fits i can make with my old clothes. flannel button ups are so versatile, i love em. my red skater skirt with a black bralette and a grey flannel knotted and off the shoulder? feels fuckin powerful lol. i might crop some of my old t-shirts at some point too.
some family friends came over. they have a trans daughter, shes pretty chill. we jammed a bit with guitars, it was fun. i don't get to play with othe people too often, it's always a treat.
ultralight fishing is so damn fun, if i get paid tomorrow i'm going to buy some cheap jigs or some shit and go fish. i've been reading up and watching videos on techniques basically all day today.
last night i shattered the glass on my vape, and while looking for where to buy a replacement, i learned vaping is going to be totally fucked in a few days. i love that the government is still able to enforce tobacco lobby laws in the middle of the pandemic, because obviously vaping is the most important health crisis right now. im gonna buy some pure nicotine and start making my own juice from now on. idk when they'll tax the shit out of nicotine (ive seen proposals for a 2700% tax????) so i'm gonna try to stock up on that. pg/vg and flavoring is all easy to come by, the nicotine would be the main thing i'd want a lot of. i already build my own coils in my rta and an rda so i dont need to stock up on coils, they wont be an issue, kanthal and cotton are easy to get. fucking hell.
every once in a while i'll re-question my gender identity. i'll think "oh wait fuck what if i'm not actually a girl?" and i'll stress about it for a few hours before i remember "oh wait dumbass, you already aren't a girl". i am definitely non-binary, but i wouldn't call myself non-binary. it doesn't feel right to me even though it's an accurate label for what i am. i'm a girl, but not really, but actually yes, but no, and thats as far as i care to figure it out. i don't know what a good label for me would be and i am completely fine with that. i'll keep calling myself a girl, i'll keep using she/they pronouns, and thats good enough for me. gender is completely metaphysical, you can do gender however the fuck you want and it's all cool.
i want to go fishing. i was really into it for a summer when i was like 14, and just haven't since. i need to see if i can find my pole. idk if i have any tackle and if so where it would be, and i also don't remember anything i learned about fishing before, but i wanna get back into it. maybe i'll rent a rowboat at the river sometime next week. actually is the boat rental place open with covid etc.? i guess if not i could just walk the trail a bit and find a spot, i don't *have* to be out on the water, though i much prefer it. i need to build my own little boat already, i've been wanting to for at least 8 years now, i just haven't actually done it yet.
i want to get some drums so bad but i have no where to put them or store them or anything.
i found a youtube channel called femboy fishing, holy fuck. my seretonin levels have never been so high. i love it. it's so chill, he's just fishing and is also a femboy. what a beautiful combo.
god i'm so fucking gay, i love girls so much. strong girls make me melt. girls with strong arms and broad shoulders, ugh i just want them to hold me im so fucking gay god.
how the fuck do you write lyrics? i haven't written a full song in 2 years. not for lack of wanting to, i just can't. it sucks man. i wanna put out more music but how do i get the drive? fuck.
reading the shock doctrine makes me angry.
chelsea manning is such an insparation to me, fuck she's so cool. i definitely look up to her, i hope if push came to shove i would have a fraction of her strength and principle. it's also cool she has a lot of the same passions i have. her twitch streams where she does tech stuff and does some educational type shit are always so interesting to watch. what a cool person.
i gotta read more anarchist theory.
who could have predicted that coming out as trans literally the day before quarntine started in march could have made my transition harder and more stressful? not a smart move on my part, i should have come out earlier.
actually coming out right before quarantine seems smarter when i take in to account i don't have to go out in public for the beginning of my transition.
my neighbor started transitioning at the same time as me. i've never talked to her before but i think it's cool that my neighbor is trans too, i feel a lil connection when i see her, like damn bitch me too lol. i wanna say hi, but like i've lived next to her and her partner for 12 years now and haven't even exchanged a hello, so idk that seems too awkward. idk.
i think it's about time i make some hyperpop. i think i'll start that today.
zynaddsubfx is the best synth program and its free and open source. you love to see it.
i'm doing some research into feminizing hrt. i know estradiol and spironolactone is essentially the standard regiment that gets prescribed in the us, but i also know that is a pretty shitty regiment. i don't really have a goal in my research, i just want to learn more about hrt and the endocrine system in general. it's interesting. dr powers is doing some interesting stuff for sure, i have heard mostly positive but mixed feelings about his work, but he's one of the only people in the medical profession that i know of that's trying to improve feminizing hrt, so i respect him for that even if he is kinda a mad scientist lol. maybe as i learn i'll have more of a goal, but for right now the goal is just to learn more. maybe i'll make a projects page for this little excursion of mine.
my appointment with the psychiatrist was disappointing. they said i had to see a therapist to get authorization or some shit to start hrt, but my therapist said i had to talk to a fucking psychiatrist to get hrt prescribed, so fuck me i guess? i scheduled an appointmnet with planned parenthood, they do informed consent so that should hopefully let me start hrt sooner. i should have started with planned parenthood, but a family friend whos trans recommended me the doctor i saw so i thought they would have been better. im fucking pissed and sad, i just want to fucking start hormones now, i want to stop testosterone from continually destroying my body as soon as possible. my hair line is fucked, im hoping it isnt too late for hrt to fix becuse i dont want to have to fix it some other way. this shit sucks man.
trans people are straight up just not allowed to exist or experience happiness in society. everything about trans peoples lives is supposed to be about misery and mitigating some of that misery with medical care, but nothing is supposed to make us happy or feel joy. being trans has been pathologized so much, we aren't allowed to just transition, we have to prove to them we are miserable enough for them to allow us to transition. even after we transition we are still supposed to be miserable. we're the butt of jokes, assault on us is laughed at and never taken seriously, when we kill ourselves its a relief for everyone else. i'm fucking tired of it. im tired of cis society trying constantly to make us not exist. even supposed allies view us as fundamentally less human. they'll say trans women are women over and over, but will they treat us like women? will they actually step up to bat or us when we get assaulted on the street? will they step up to bat when we're denied medical care? denied access to womens shelters? forced into male prisons to be raped, tortured and killed? almost never. fuck them. im so fucking tired. please just stop trying to make me not exist.
i hate twitter so much. i would delete it right now if i had another way to contact the people i know on theree.
i saw my grandparents today, me and my family went and talked with them for a few hours. we immediately got talking politics because thats what we do lol. i haven't talked with my grandparents about marxist shit before, it was interesting lol. my grandpa said socailism was good, except he defined socialism as "things that help all people" and capitalism as "things that help entrepeneurs, businesses, etc.", so that fuckin sucked lol. their hearts are in the right place, but theyr'e very old. they were able to go from conservative to somewhat progressive, but i doubt they can break their minds out of liberalism at this point. oh well.
i've felt lightheaded all day. i probably should eat or something. ive lost like 40 pounds since quarantine started just because i haven't been eating much, that can't be healthy.
hot take: liberal democracy fuckin sucks lol. how can a liberal say to stop protesting and vote when poor areas have very few polling places with long lines when the people in poor have less ability to wait in line because they have to work, 1 in 13 black people are disenfranchised due to felony convictions, voting has never been able to produce a systemic change that favors the working class, and gerrymandering makes everyones votes meaningless anyways? liberal democray was created by and for the bourgeoisie, that is whos interests liberal democracy was created to cater to. these uprisings have led to more real change then the past 40 years of peaceful protests, petitions, and voting have. liberals are saying that we have to stop """rioting""" and vote to get what we want? fuck them. all liberals do is stand in the way of real change while supporting fascism wherever it pops up, fuck them.
i feel like shit. i have a zoom appointment with a psychiatrist on the 1st to start the process of going on hrt. here's hoping it goes well and i can start injecting girl juice into my ass and grow some massive tidderinos soon.
why doesnt bash scripting work everywhere? you mean i'd have to learn a different scripting language for a different use case that doesn't involve bash whatsoever? that's bullshit.
it's kind of insane how normal transphobia is. like i know it's normalized to a huge extent, but sometimes it hits me how every fucking week there's another article in a major news outlet about TrAnS RiGhTs AcTiViStS and how they're trying to trans your kids gender. just constant attacks, all the time, from reputable names and outlets. shit sucks man.
i've been reading the long twentieth century (libgen link) recently. its pretty good so far, i'm not sure my thoughts on it yet but they're generally positive. it looks at the relationships between the foramtion of states and capital accumulation.
i wish i was able to get my thoughts down in writing easier. i'm constantly pacing my room talking to myself, working through my thoughts, and i wish i was able to think as focused as that while writing. something about writing makes my brain lose the entire plot, i can't string 2 thoughts together unless im focusing on the thoughts. maybe perhaps abusing psychadelics and tripping every day for 9 months wasn't a very smart thing to do, i used to be able to talk better and write better and think better and now it takes a fair bit of effort to keep a narrative going in my mind and not have my thoughts be completely scattered. don't do drugs, kids.